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Bathing Kitty
 Some people say cats
never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves
clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their
saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging dirt where it
hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing
this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to
discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in
the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug
by the fireplace.
The time comes,
however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in
the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce:
"this cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Jaurez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your
arm and head for the bathtub. Know that although the cat has the
advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the
advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting
the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he
can force you to chase him.
Pick a very small
bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I
recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding
glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple
shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply
rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift
positions.)
Know that a cat has
claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your
body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to
dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked
into high top construction boots, a pair of steel mesh gloves, an army
helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a
towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket.
Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside
the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if
you are lying on your back in the water.
Use the element of
surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry
him to his supper dish. ...Cats will not usually notice your strange
attire. They have
little
or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb,
calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment
for J.C. Penney. ... Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is
essential to survival.
In a single liquid
motion, shut the
bathroom
door, step into the tub enclosure, slide that glass door shut, dip the
cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one
of
the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles.
Add the
fact that he also has soapy fur, and the problem is radically
compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or
three
seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember
to
give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then
spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself
off. The national record for cats is three latherings, so
don't
expect too much.
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Bengal
Cats,
because they are descended from Asian Leopard Cats (which are quite
good swimmers) usually like the water. But going in the water,
they feel, should be their choice. A forced bath is a completely
different
issue!
Listen
to this kitten's comment about the process.
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He will usually have
nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time
sitting with his back to you. He might even become "psycho ceramic" and develop the
fixed stare of a plastic figurine. You will be tempted to assume
he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is
simply plotting ways to get through your defences and injure you for
life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least he
smells a lot better.
Author Unknown
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